A Note to My Sperm Donor

You are e real piece of work!!

You know it is absolutely amazing how uncaring you are about your three girls' feelings. They have been anxious to speak to you for weeks and when the day finally comes when you can call them and talk to them, you choose not to bother. Guess it is a waste of your time huh? You chose to have three kids! You planned the birth of these three kids. And now, since things aren't going your way, you choose to toss them to the side like a piece of trash. I guess there are more important things on your mind....like hitting the nearest strip club, or getting laid. Just remember, some day you are going to be old and alone and there won't be anyone there to give a shit about you.

I just sat and listened to "A" cry for half an hour about how her boyfriend treats her better than her own father does, and how her boyfriend loves her more than her father does. She also confided that her father told her that if the family broke up it would be all her fault. What kind of father would say such a thing to his own daughter??? A sperm donor I guess....

When You Thought I Wasn't Looking

A message every adult should read because children
are watching you and doing as you do, not as you say.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you hang my
first painting on the refrigerator, and I immediately
wanted to paint another one.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you feed a
stray cat, and I learned that it was good to be kind
to animals.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make my
favorite cake for me, and I learned that the little
things can be the special things in life.


When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you make a
meal and take it to a friend who was sick, and I
learned that we all have to help take care of each other.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw you take care
of our house and everyone in it, and I learned we have
to take care of what we are given.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw how you
handled your responsibilities, even when you didn't
feel good, and I learned that I would have to be
responsible when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw tears come
from your eyes, and I learned that sometimes things
hurt, but it's all right to cry.

When you thought I wasn't looking I saw that you
cared, and I wanted to be everything that I could be.

When you thought I wasn't looking I learned most of
life's lessons that I need to know to be a good and
productive person when I grow up.

When you thought I wasn't looking I looked at you and
wanted to say,'Thanks for all the things I saw when
you thought I wasn't looking'

Selfishness is a Disease...Get Some Help

You know, it absolutely amazes me how a man that is trying to get full custody of his children could think that it is completely OK to not call or send presents to his children on Christmas. How he can make no effort what so ever to contact them in any way shape or form, then turn around and claim the I am the bad parent in this situation. I even offered to pay for his visit to Hannah's house so he could see the girls with NO EXCUSES. (He claims to not have the money to pay for the visits with his girls, yet he had plenty of money to take a trip to PA for the holidays.) I guess going to PA and getting laid was more important to him than the happiness of his kids. Around 7pm Christmas night my middle daughter was in tears because her Daddy didn't even call her to wish her a Merry Christmas. Does he honestly think that the court is going to rule in his favor on the 7th?? If he does then he is more insane/ignorant than I originally thought. The court will not only rule in my favor, but they will also see how uncaring he truly is and I will be awarded the max child support and alimony amount, and permission to move. I really wish things hadn't come to this. I desperately tried to make this split as amiable (and cheap) as possible. Instead of accepting that it is over and agreeing to $2000 a month child support and not getting lawyers involved, we are now both in debt and I will get twice what I was asking in support. Unfortunately my girls are the ones suffering through all of this. I will get over the hurt he has caused me and I will be out of debt soon enough, but the girls will be scarred for LIFE!

I received the mediators recommendation on Christmas Eve...it made for some really good holiday reading! She is recommending that not only should I keep legal custody of the girls, but that "J" continues to have supervised visits (even once I move to TN) until he completes an anger management course and provides the court with proof of completion, as well as conjoint counseling with the girls. Before all the lawyers were involved I told "J" that this would be the case. Guess he thought he could lie to the court and get his way since he was able to lie his way through life and get his way on everything else. Didn't work this time. Karma's a bitch! Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to me!

Law of Attraction

The Law of Attraction: a few quotes

Whatever is going on in your mind is what you are attracting

We are like magnets - like attract like. You become AND attract what
you think

Every thought has a frequency. Thoughts send out a magnetic energy

People think about what they don't want and attract more of the same

Thought = creation. If these thoughts are attached to powerful
emotions (good or bad) that speeds the creation

You attract your dominant thoughts

Those who speak most of illness have illness, those who speak most of
prosperity have it..etc..

EVERYTHING in your life you have attracted .. accept that fact ..
it's true

You get exactly what you are FEELING

Happy feelings will attract more happy circumstances

What you focus on with your thought and feeling is what you attract
into your experience

What you think and what you feel and what actually manifests is
ALWAYS a match - no exception

It just keeps getting better

The money grubber strikes again and continues to make himself look like an ass for the court. He got paid $1700 on Friday and he is supposed to give me and his three girls half of his paycheck. I got $600 for the four of us while he kept $1100 for himself. His lawyer assured me that he was going to continue to pay all the bills and if that was truly the case it wouldn't be an issue. However, all of my bills are in my name and he has no access to them, so how in the world could he pay them?!? I contacted his Chief today about the issue and when he contacted "J" about it, "J" said there is no way he is giving me any more money. HE HAS NO CHOICE! The court will make him give it to me eventually! We are still a married couple. We are not even legally separated yet. He HAS to take care of his family!! He is living in the barracks and only has himself to feed. He has a cell phone bill for one, and truck payment and insurance payment. I have four people to feed, a cell phone bill for three people, insurance payment, cable/Internet bill and a credit card bill that "J" helped charge on them cancelled the check to pay it off before it cleared.

Ahhh, What a wonderful, loving father he is continuing to prove to be. The court is going to see him for exactly who and what he is...a classic, abusive control freak who is now using his money (or lack there of) to try to break me and "starve us out". It won't work! All he is doing is making himself look worse for the court which is actually helping me and my case. Everything he has done so far is classic, typical behavior of an abuser and the court is going to see that. My lawyer has been doing this for a very long time and has seen it time and time again!

"J" only continues to prove the exact reason I am leaving him. He is a selfish child that cares about no one but himself and what is best for HIM! He doesn't even care enough for the well being of his own children to do the right thing in all of this. Regardless of the relationship between him and myself, his kids are still his kids and always will be.

He is trying to use our girls to hurt me through all of this by trying to get custody...something he doesn't even really want nor will he get. He told me two weeks ago that he can't and doesn't want to raise three girls by himself. I can't believe I stayed with this man for so long! All of my friends and family saw him for who and what he is and told me I needed to get out. Problem is, I knew they were right, but I also knew that this nightmare is what I would have to endure in order to leave. I was right once again...go figure.

On top of everything, he is probably telling all his "friends" (the few he has are only his friend when it is convenient for him) and family (that he has told me in the past are selfish, worthless people that he doesn't even like...I wouldn't know, I don't know them well enough) what a horrible person I am. He apparently told his lawyer that I am a drug addict, a shopaholic and a mother that neglects her kids(two weeks ago he was telling me what a wonderful mother and person I am and how much he loves me). None of his accusations are anything he can prove because it is just more LIES, so I am not worried! He is grasping at straws right now and trying to make me out to be a bad person to try to debunk my allegations, but he is only making himself look even worse for the court! It is all quite humorous to me. This is all coming from a man that is addicted to porn and strippers. The last thing he should be allowed to do is raise three girls!!! He has cheated on me numerous times. He is verbally and physically abusive to the girls. He is verbally and physically abusive to me. He has given me two black eyes and bloody nose. This man even made his own Mother cry when she came for a visit a couple of years ago. Insane....

On top of all of this bullshit, his family is checking my blog on a daily basis (trying to get some dirt to take back to "J" I would imagine....they certainly haven't shown any concern for me, so I KNOW that isn't it!) and after 13 years of NEVER being in my kids lives are now all the sudden calling them with "concern". My kids are very smart though and see through their fake concern too. My girls don't even know who these people are for crying out loud!!! They have never wanted to be a part of their lives before, why start now?!? I am sure it is because "J" is doing his poor me routine to them all.

Boo hoo, grow a pair and man up for ONCE in your life. You've already admitted wrong doing to me, admit it to evryone else and stop the act!

Karma-Food for thought

Karma: "The Sanskrit word Karma (or kamma in Pali) literally means action. In Buddhism however, karma mainly refers to one's intention or motivation while doing an action.
The shortest explanation of karma that I know is: 'you get what you give'. In other words; whatever you do intentionally to others, a similar thing will happen to yourself in the future"

Our largest obstacle to understanding or even believing in karma may be time. The 're-actions' or results of our actions show up with a time delay, and it becomes extremely hard to tell which action caused which result. Actions done in a previous life can create results in this life, but who can remember their past life? For ordinary humans, the mechanisms of karma can be intellectually understood to some extent, but never completely "seen".

The idea behind karma is not only found in Buddhism and Hinduism; it seems that the Bible certainly conveys the same essence:

Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A person reaps what he sows.
(Gal. 6:7)

All things whatsoever you would that men should do to you,
do even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.
(Matthew 7:12)

Also the 'Golden Rule' of Confucianism makes a similar statement:

Tzu-kung asked, "Is there one word which may serve as a rule of practice for all one's life?"
Confucius answered, "Is not reciprocity such a word? What you do not want done to yourself, do not do to others."'

From His Holiness the Dalai Lama's book Path to Bliss:
"Some people misunderstand the concept of karma. They take the Buddha's doctrine of the law of causality to mean that all is predetermined, that there is nothing that the individual can do. This is a total misunderstanding. The very term karma or action is a term of active force, which indicates that future events are within your own hands. Since action is a phenomenon that is committed by a person, a living being, it is within your own hands whether or not you engage in action."

This being said, I don't know why anyone would intentionally hurt another human being for their own personal satisfaction or vengeance? Why would one intentionally curse themselves to negative future events? I just don't understand the thought process of some people in this world. Do they simply have no spirituality in their lives and are ignorant of the consequences of their actions? I would never intentionally try to harm another for my own satisfaction. I would get NO satisfaction in knowing I have intentionally hurt another.

Even though my soon to be EX broke into my house(which BTW I filed a police report for) while the girls and I were out on Sunday and stole the hard drive with all of the family(and some VERY personal) photos on it, I still packed his things for him today when he sent his friend to gather the rest of his clothes. I could have thrown his things out on the lawn or in the trash, but I didn't nor would I consider such a thing. He continues to try to hurt me as much as he possibly can...why??? He took that hard drive to hurt me. He KNEW I wanted the personal photos deleted first, but he didn't care what I wanted. It only continues to show how self centered he really is. Thinking ONLY of what HE wants. I will be able to sue him for possession of the hard drive and win since I didn't sign a model release form, but I shouldn't have to do that. If I had been married to an adult, I wouldn't! I would have given him the hard drive willingly AFTER the personal photos were deleted and he could have saved himself some lawyer fees. Oh well. Again I say, karma is a bitch and he will get his in the end, which I think that has already begun for the things he did years ago...he is now loosing his family. unfortunately for him, as he continues to intentionally hurt others, his life will continue to be miserable and filled with bad luck. He will reap what he has sown.

Liar, Liar

So...some of the bills that were paid on the first of the month didn't actually get paid because "J" took all the money out of the account before the checks had a chance to clear. His lawyer assured me that he was going to continue to pay all of the bills. Surprise, surprise another lie. I have no income and very little money in the bank to take care of three kids. I just paid for the cell phone bill that was supposed to have been paid on the 1st of the month. I also have to pay the credit card bill that "J" charged some personal things to then cancelled the check before it cleared. Now I need to figure out what else he didn't pay before it becomes over due. Guess the girls and me will be living off of hotdogs for the next few months. What a loving father....

And so the drama continues...

As if my life wasn't stressful enough right now, this afternoon my oldest comes home from school having just been in a fight. Apparently some racist Mexican girl that has a problem with blonds threatened "A"'s boyfriend, so she decided to throw down. She dropped her bag and told her to back off her boyfriend. Next thing she knows, this chic grabs her by the hair, punches her in the face and throws her to the ground! WTF!?! I don't remember middle school being so violent back in my day. I told "A" that she needed to find out this girls name so I can either inform the school or call the police or something. She insisted I not do anything. I am at a loss as far as what I am supposed to do in this situation. "A" doesn't want to be viewed by her peers as weak. And she certainly doesn't want them to know she told her Mom about it. So what now? Let this other girl get away with punching my daughter and chipping her tooth? Or find out who she is and do something about it?

Being a single parent isn't going to be easy. I REALLY wish I was around some family that could help me out in these types of situations. If my soon to be EX wasn't so selfish I WOULD be right now...and this wouldn't have even happened if I was in TN!

And the Asshole Award goes to....

Last Monday I decided to break the news to my husband that I had had enough of his abuse and was leaving. I called my father and told him a little of what had been going on and he decided to get on a plane and fly here the next day to help me before I ended up in the hospital having had a nervous breakdown. Tuesday afternoon when "J" arrived home from work he was met with my father. After a few hours of fighting I left with my father to sleep at a hotel for the evening. Upon returning to the house the next day, "J" had calmed down a bit and was ready to talk like an adult (sort of). For three days we went back and forth with negotiations of possibly trying a separation instead of rushing into a divorce. I was willing to talk about giving it one more try if he was willing to give up some of his control. Friday I attended marital dissolution workshop upon "J"’s request. I gave him the option to go in my place, but he declined. After the workshop we were to sit down and go over the paperwork together so I could try to explain what it all meant. Since I was unable to answer several of his questions, he decided that he needed to wait until Monday and talk to Navy legal before signing anything, but he was still acting as though he was willing to sign with no problems. We had agreed to split the money I the bank account. He told me that when we move out of housing we would have to pay them $1100, so he would put that amount aside and split the rest which was supposedly $647. I transferred that amount to my personal account with his permission thinking he was getting the same amount.

He requested that we spend the weekend with the girls together as a family and I agreed. We told the girls on Saturday that we were getting separated for 6 months and that they and I were moving to TN. There were a few tears but after about 10 minutes that was over and it was on with the weekend. We spent the weekend shopping for the girls, with me charging most of it to my credit card.

Monday came and he went to the JAG lawyer on base to get his questions answered. By this point we had done five days worth of negotiations (by negotiations, I mean arguing and him going back and forth about whether or not he wanted to agree to the terms we had written up) and I was ready to just get it over with already. When he returned home from the lawyer he started talking about not wanting to sign the paper work and not wanting give me permission to leave the state. My Father had now paid for seven days in a hotel room and the stall tactics were now pissing me off!

Finally after another exhausting two hours of “discussions” I said “Fine, you don’t want to sign the agreement…see you in court!” The agreement was VERY generous I assure you!! (I was only asking for $2000 in child support and was willing to give up spousal support. Giving him monthly visitation and allowing him to even stay at my house so he doesn't have to pay for a hotel. I was even going to leave all of the furniture with him. All I wanted was written consent to move out of state with the girls in return....NOW my lawyer has informed me that the minimum amount I will get is around $2433 child support and $886 spousal. I will STILL be allowed to move out of state and I will get a good chunk of his retirement, plus most of the furniture. PLUS he will only be able to see the kids on holidays and maybe part of the summer now. Yep, we are in CA not PA!! All of the BAD advise he took from his family will bite him in the ass.)

I drove straight to my Father’s hotel to pick him up, then headed to the courthouse. I filed for marital dissolution (not separation) and I also filed a restraining order against him since during the course of the negotiations, he had made several threats to me. Since I had no reason not to believe his threats because of past physical abuse, I thought it was best that he not be allowed near my girls or myself once he found out I had actually gone through with filing for the divorce. While sitting in the courthouse waiting for the judge to grant me the restraining order, I decided that I should probably transfer the other half of my half of the checking account (which was $550).

When I arrived home that evening I was escorted by two police officers that served "J" with divorce papers and a restraining order. Now I had been trying to get this man to peacefully leave the house for weeks and he kept telling me that it is HIS house NOT mine and I am the one that needs to pack a leave. As he is talking to the police officer he is STILL insisting that he will not leave HIS house. The officer asks me if me and the girls and my father have somewhere to go. “Yes a hotel. The five of us can go to a hotel OR he can go to a hotel.” The officer then tries yet again to explain to him what is going on and how it is going to look to the judge if he makes me pack up all three of my girls and go stay at a hotel. FINALLY he decides to go pack some things and leave. Instead of packing a few things for the night and leaving and coming back in the morning when the girls are in school to get the rest of his things, he makes a huge spectacle in front of the kids and packs like four bags full of stuff. He even makes the middle daughter (the most sensitive one…the one that is crying uncontrollably) go downstairs and retrieve some bags from the closet and help him pack. She, of course, starts crying even harder.

After he finally is escorted off the premises and everything settles down I decided to take care of a few things on the computer, checking my bank account first. As I am going through the statement I see he transferred $1307 the week before and then another $700 that same day I took $550. The scumbag LIED to me(nothing new I assure you)!! He didn’t calculate half the money. He calculated 1/4 and took the rest for himself. He was going to send me and his three kids off to move to TN with $647 while he kept $2550 for himself. Even if we did have to pay housing $1100 to move out(which is a crock of shit) he would still have kept $1450 for himself while his wife and three kids moved to TN with $647 to their name.

To top all that off, he emptied the bank account before all checks posted and the check to my credit card account (which we BOTH charged on) bounced, so I was charged a $35 returned check fee!

Yep, I married, and stayed married for 15 years, to a selfish, money grubbing scumbag!!!

Bound and Gagged

Have you ever woke up one day, looked around at your life and wondered how you got there? Why did you make the decisions you made that brought you into the life you now know, with the person you are now with? What was your motivation? Loneliness? Stupidity? Naivety?

What really makes us happy? A house full of kids? A house full of nice things? Both? Nothing? What?

There is a brilliant scene in the movie Fight Club..."Like so many others, I had become a slave to the Ikea nesting instinct. If I saw something clever like a little coffee table in the shape of a yin yang, I had to have it"..."What kind of dining set defines me as a person?" Who fucking CARES? Me! Why? Or do I? I don't even know anymore....

If I had made different decisions way back when, would I be happier right now...or would my life be even MORE miserable than it is right now?? I find myself wondering what I did in a past life that has made karma bit me in the ass so fucking hard in this life?

I woke up this morning feeling like a submissive without a safe word. Trapped in a hell that I don't know how to escape, with a person who won't let me go.

What is thre point I am trying to make here with all of this??....I don't have a clue, I am just rambling.